Look at my poem, what do you think?

Everytime you put your arms around me

I feel as everything else doesn't matter.

Everytime you talk to me,

I don't care about other things

But you.



You are the great inspiration of my life

And I think that you're the best there is,

Becuase you have taught me a lot of things,

And I will never forget it.



There is always somebody to talk to,

And I know that person is you.



I see us in the future

Married with kids,

With 3 little children

That will be ours.



I think of the times we've been with each other,

Together,

Walking on the flowers of Spring

Below the yellow shining above us.



Us walking together...

Doesn't that bring memories back?

I think it does.



When we're together,

Again, I have to say

That I don't care about everything else,

I don't mind anything else.

I only care that I'm here

With you at my side.

Look at my poem, what do you think?
To me, it sounds like a gazillion other poems I've heard.



Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. But you asked, so I answered. For your age though, it actually isn't too bad!



My advice is to keep going at it, and be more detailed when writing poetry. Some poems are great if they're short and to the point, but I get the impression you'd be better at the whole detailed thing.
Reply:Wow. For your age, I find this awfully good. You didn't stick to a childish topic, but you made it more realistic and comfortating in a way. This is def. a poem I would show my boyfriend. Rock on babe!
Reply:To me, it's too narrative: you put too much emphasis on ideas, instead of on words. For example, your first stanza:



Everytime you put your arms around me

I feel as everything else doesn't matter.

Everytime you talk to me,

I don't care about other things

But you.



I would erase a few things, and put more emphasis on words:

You put your arms around me

Nothing matters

I don't care

You



And then you start your next stanza with "you", and "you" is emphasized even more than in the original version.



Again, just a few ideas....
Reply:you have a making of a writer or poet
Reply:Pretty Good. Has some great feelings, but a bit hard to read for the critic. I would suggest some editing.

Especially this sentence -

"Walking on the flowers of Spring

Below the yellow shining above us"
Reply:very nice for your age, you have a talent...
Reply:it's kinda cool. But, it could've been better
Reply:childish, and does not have any charachteristics of poetry. however if you wrote it in all sincerity, who am i to comment.